Infertility

For the last two years of our lives we have struggled with infertility. We started this journey giddy with the excitement of new life. We laid awake at night wondering what our children would look like, we debated names, and dreamed up creative ideas to break the news to our friends and family. We had no idea what heartbreak was in store. We knew it was foolish to hope it would happen right away, but had no idea how many months we would try and grieve. I feel like the last two years have been this vicious cycle of trying, hoping, grieving, trying, hoping, grieving. I would have guessed that this would be difficult for me. All I've wanted since I was a child was to be a Mom. I don't just want a baby, I want to be pregnant, I want to make OUR baby, Brian and mine - and so my heart is broken, and my arms are still empty. I have never wanted anything, and tried so hard for anything in my life. The part that I didn't see coming that hit me like a ton of bricks, is that literally every couple in my close circle of friends has gotten pregnant in the last few months. I am sure that sounds like an exxaggeration, but it most certainly is not. For example, in our Small Group at church ALL of the couples are pregnant except the one couple who have a baby. I have watched dozens of my friends get pregnant and have their babies all in the time we have been trying.

Let me define trying - we never had a time where we just "pulled the goalie," meaning had sex without using protection but without timing intercourse for ovulation. We have actively tried each month for two years. We have done countless ovulation predictor tests, I have taken my temperature every morning for two years, I have charts and graphs, I was on Clomid for 6 months (250 mg.) and have had countless blood tests, invasive tests and procedures with no results. They have no idea what is wrong with me. All tests on both Brian and I have come back completely normal. There is no reason why we shouldn't be pregnant right now. Apparently God has other plans for us.

I have no doubt that God can do a miracle and we can conceive naturally, I'm just not sure that He will. I have no promises from Him, and I have no idea if we should wait on Him or if we should continue pursuing medical options. I keep waiting for Him to give me guidance but I feel like He is being silent. I'm sure I have much to learn from all of this and have been BEGGING God to rip the band aid off and teach me these lessons so that I can move on with my life and become a Mom. The worst part is that I feel so selfish for asking God to do what I want when I want it. I don't know how to be godly while feeling this kind of loss and pain. I also feel selfish for grieving this so deeply when others have gone through so much more grief than this. So many people struggle with infertility for many many more years than 2, and many others have lost loved ones that they have already met. My grief feels too great for this loss compared to all of this. It's what I feel though and I'm trying to digest it all despite it's probable inappropriateness.

I'm at capacity and not sure how much more of this I can take. God PLEASE! I need you to intervene on our behalf and help us to conceive a child. We recognize children as a gift from you and ask you to trust us with that gift.