Elephant

Last night Brian and I had a conversation about our most recent awkward experience at church. As usual worship was very emotional for me as I struggled to offer the "sacrifice of praise" that I mentioned in an earlier post. As soon as I opened my bulletin I wished I had chosen to stay home. The sermon was titled "The Reality of Suffering." It was encouraging and frustrating in equal measures. I can't help but feel like people tell you to "give it to God" as if to imply that if I had given it to God my circumstances would change or I would feel completely at peace about our situation. I have given it to God, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times...but I'm still in the suffering. I feel God's love pour out on me as I surrender this to him like a salve on an open wound. But none the less, the wound is still open. Giving it to Him does not mean that I won't be broken or isolated, it simply allows me to keep this in perspective and allow myself to be loved on by him in the process.

I find myself when I'm at church wishing I could blend in with the pew, hoping no one will notice me in my suffering. The last thing I want is any attention when I feel at my most vulnerable. I found myself turning my friend away as she tried to reach out to me during church, simply because I didn't want any undo attention on our situation. I certainly know that the world does not revolve around me, but in the middle of that service as I was hearing about suffering I felt so conspicuous - as if everyone around me was keenly aware of my presence and my pain. The moment church was out I ran to the car, leaving Brian alone to have the awkward conversations about "how we're doing" with all of our pregnant friends.

It was as I was sitting in the car praying that no one would notice me that I was able to pinpoint the exact source of the awkwardness that happens when I am around pregnant people. I feel like I am the elephant in the room. I feel SO exposed and conspicuous and vulnerable. I feel like my open wound is exposed for all who are around to inspect and try to fix. I have friends with whom I am very vulnerable about this situation...but I am vulnerable on my terms. Being around pregnant people makes me feel vulnerable on their terms. I feel like I am the thing that everyone is thinking about and keenly aware of - but afraid to address.

Lord help me to remain vulnerable to you and teach me how to be a graceful elephant.