Follistim

Last night I gave myself my 7th shot of Follistim on our first (and hopefully only :-) IUI cycle. We started doing shots every night (150 each until last night which we lowered to 125), and ultra sounds and blood work every other day last Tuesday, October 14th. As of today I have 5 measurable follicles (around "17") which the doctor seems to think is great. I don't know what to think or feel. I love how optimistic he is and since this is our first IUI I don't have anything to compare it to. Since he seems pleased, I desperately want to be hopeful and at the same time I can't bear the thought of being disappointed yet again! He told me on Sunday that they hope to see 2-4 follicles by the time they trigger ovulation and as of today I have 5!!! And I'm still at least two days away from our trigger shot! I feel concerned about multiples (5 babies is a lot of babies! The potential complications scare me worse than the thought of raising 5 kids scares me!) because I am completely opposed to "reduction." However, I want to take whatever the Lord will give me! If the doctor thinks that 5 is fine, then I think 5 is fine. For all I know it takes 5 follies to make one baby and that's OK by me :-) The worst part is waiting. I am so hopeful that this will work and so anxious at the same time. Lord, please give me patience and peace. I so desperately need it!

Elephant

Last night Brian and I had a conversation about our most recent awkward experience at church. As usual worship was very emotional for me as I struggled to offer the "sacrifice of praise" that I mentioned in an earlier post. As soon as I opened my bulletin I wished I had chosen to stay home. The sermon was titled "The Reality of Suffering." It was encouraging and frustrating in equal measures. I can't help but feel like people tell you to "give it to God" as if to imply that if I had given it to God my circumstances would change or I would feel completely at peace about our situation. I have given it to God, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times...but I'm still in the suffering. I feel God's love pour out on me as I surrender this to him like a salve on an open wound. But none the less, the wound is still open. Giving it to Him does not mean that I won't be broken or isolated, it simply allows me to keep this in perspective and allow myself to be loved on by him in the process.

I find myself when I'm at church wishing I could blend in with the pew, hoping no one will notice me in my suffering. The last thing I want is any attention when I feel at my most vulnerable. I found myself turning my friend away as she tried to reach out to me during church, simply because I didn't want any undo attention on our situation. I certainly know that the world does not revolve around me, but in the middle of that service as I was hearing about suffering I felt so conspicuous - as if everyone around me was keenly aware of my presence and my pain. The moment church was out I ran to the car, leaving Brian alone to have the awkward conversations about "how we're doing" with all of our pregnant friends.

It was as I was sitting in the car praying that no one would notice me that I was able to pinpoint the exact source of the awkwardness that happens when I am around pregnant people. I feel like I am the elephant in the room. I feel SO exposed and conspicuous and vulnerable. I feel like my open wound is exposed for all who are around to inspect and try to fix. I have friends with whom I am very vulnerable about this situation...but I am vulnerable on my terms. Being around pregnant people makes me feel vulnerable on their terms. I feel like I am the thing that everyone is thinking about and keenly aware of - but afraid to address.

Lord help me to remain vulnerable to you and teach me how to be a graceful elephant.